I’m sitting here in my small dorm room, as I have been all day. I am listening to the soundtrack for The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of time. “Well, why aren’t you with your family?” You might be asking, and I have answers. I am not with my family because I am choosing (with difficulty) to stay in my room. This year like the last (I think) our family is having two separate Thanksgivings. On one side, my Uncle, his fiance; my aunt, her husband. On the other side, my mom and my grandma. I chose to not go to either because of the amount of shit boiling beneath and in the family kettle. If I went to my Uncle’s I’d feel awkward because me and my Aunt are no longer on good terms at all. When I went to her wedding I felt so damn awkward. I lived with my aunt last year, and things boiled over, with my laziness and not helping around the house as much as I could since believe it or not I did actually become very busy a few times, and her passive-aggressive way of dealing with things. Her Fiance at the time sent me a text somewhat scolding me for not doing the dishes when I was in fact busy as all hell with school and work. I was pissed. I think it was justified for me to be pissed since a non-family member thought it was ok for them to tell me what to do. I told him, if she wanted to tell me how disappointed she was in me for not helping, or wanted to scold me, then she should do it herself like an adult. I accepted that I needed to do more when I could, even though I was, again, genuinely swamped that week. And that’s where that problem comes from. Over the summer I lived in a house with 4 other roommates, and I was so frustrated with how little cleaning they did (basically none, I was the only one to have cleaned the bathroom once over the course of summer >:P). I understood then how my family members must have felt when I barely lifted a finger to help out. So I sent out a mass texted and apologized for my behavior, and how I now understood how I acted. My aunt never responded to the text. And then there was the wedding that I decided to go to to support her, and it was just awkward. BLEGH! I don’t often feel awkwardness because I’m a crazy character, so I don’t mind it. But this, this was awkward. So there’s that side of the fam.
Now for the Mom side. Me and my mom have a shitty relationship (VERY long story short). She says whatever the hell she wants to me, never apologizes, and expects me to want to come to thanksgiving or something. No, but I think she should understand there are consequences to the shit you say. I’ve learned that the hard way and I still do. And I try to apologize.
I guess what I am trying to do is justify my decision, even though I feel guilty for it. It makes me sad and fill up with anxiety because I’m not going to thanksgiving, even though we’ve had some type of one every year, no matter what was going on and even if the fam was divided I still went. This year, since I am in my own residence, I have more power to decide for myself. But whenever I decide for myself, I always question the decision because I feel such guilt. It’s true, I am immature, and I don’t know when I’ll get out of it. But I think there are varying degrees of maturity. And if being mature means making decisions that make everyone else happy but not myself, then what’s the point? I’m not even that happy about staying in my room because I feel so bad for it. But why would I want to spend thanksgiving next to someone who treats my like shit and never says sorry, or next to someone who ignored my apology? BAH! I miss being a kid and just being able to focus on my video games. Responsibility is stupid. I wish I could stay young forever. If there is life after death, I hope I get to live in my greatest imaginative fantasies, with my cats and just live those lives out or something.
Video games are better because their lives seem to hold much more weight and importance in the world, which mine is severely lacking. They’re respected for their decisions most of the time. Envy is what I have….
ANYWAYS….That last bit is for another post. For those of you that are spending your time with your Families this week, have a Happy Thanksgiving. For those of you who are not, if you are even out there, you’re not the only one. I need to come up with a list of things I am thankful for…Chow!
"Not Black and White but Grey" 